


If You Deny This, Then It's Your Fault

by jojothecr



Series: Change of Season 'Verse [3]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: F/M, M/M, Written in 2010
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-07
Updated: 2011-07-07
Packaged: 2017-10-21 03:20:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/220339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jojothecr/pseuds/jojothecr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loose prequel for <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/220336">Change of Season, Love Can Die</a><br/><em>One day before Jared's wedding...</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Deny This, Then It's Your Fault

The cold air brushing his cheeks, Jared pulls the girl in his arms closer to his chest and tugs the tails of his coat around her, sharing his warmth. Something painful strains on his heart as he looks up, catching a glimpse of one lonely figure sitting in the middle of the lines of chairs prepared for tomorrow’s ceremony.

Jensen.

His presence calms Jared down, makes him feel more confident and eases the panic and nervousness that cause to him stammer, even now during the rehearsal. At the same time, that presence scares him more than all the vows and procedures he struggles to remember.

Jensen is a friend that everybody wishes they could find, but only a few are really that lucky. He’s understanding and caring, and always there to offer help or advice. Ready to catch him when Jared feels like falling. He’s so also unbelievably funny and smart, and a Texan down to the bone. He’s definitely the best friend Jared’s ever had.  
Unfortunately, he’s never been only that. Or maybe he had been, in the beginning. Before the first closer contact. Before the first kiss. Before the last two years of slow, careful steps forward and fast, panicked strides back when the tiniest shade of misgiving or uncertainty crossed their path.

Jared wishes he had more time, less things to do, and could talk to Jensen. Say what he hasn’t managed to do until now. Ask if he’s really the only one to be blamed for their current situation, and for ruining what used to be between them.  
But he’s not given the chance. When he finally gathers enough courage and makes up a believable excuse for Genevieve, his mom blocks his view, sitting down next to Jensen and clasping his hand in both of hers. Jensen smiles, for the first time in the whole day, and only directed at her. He nods at whatever she’s saying as she leans closer, almost conspiratorially.  
Jared watches them chat for a moment, completely blocking out the voice of the celebrant, and even Genevieve’s arms winding around his waist, just wondering what they’re talking about.  
Jensen doesn’t meet his eyes, not even once, and has been, quite successfully, avoiding every opportunity to be alone with Jared. Not that there were many chances with so many people around, but he’s been definitely trying to limit them to an absolute minimum.  
Sharon reaches out and strokes Jensen’s cheek gently, then adjusts the collar of his coat, and Jared smiles, thinking moms, and how wrong she is when she treats Jensen like another son, like Jared’s second brother. He follows her with his gaze as she stands up, walking back to Jerry, and when he looks back, Jensen’s gone.

He finds him thirty minutes later, when he’s already pretty close to sending a search party and alerting the mountain rescue team. Leaning against the stone wall of the hotel, and with his hands tucked deep in the pockets of his coat, Jensen is as far from people as he can possibly be, without actually leaving the place.

The crunching of the snow beneath his boots reveals Jared’s presence a few long strides from Jensen, but Jensen doesn’t look up. Eyes narrowed into the sun, he stares across the white plains and down the snowbound valley. It’s quiet out there, a real contrast to the constant jabber and commotion happening inside.

“Hey.”

Jensen nods and tilts his face towards the sunshine, closing his eyes. “Hey.”

Jared watches the thick shadows of Jensen’s eyelashes dip onto his cheeks, giving him a strange edge of fragility. He clears his throat and opens his mouth, then closes it again when he realizes that he has no idea what he wants to, or even should, say.

Jensen apparently knows what to say, or maybe he just senses Jared’s helpless quest for words, because he breaks the silence a few moments later.  
“So I guess that this is it, huh?” He asks as he opens his eyes and looks at Jared at last. His voice is rough, maybe from the cold, maybe for some other reason, and sad. Disappointed. “This is the part where I’m supposed to step off your path, say, ‘Goodbye, Jared’ and ‘I’m happy that you’ve found a girl you can settle with’, but... I’m sorry, Jay, I don’t think I’ve got the strength for that now.”

“We can skip that chapter,” Jared offers with a smile, faked and forced, trying to make it easier, although he knows that he can’t.

“To what?” Jensen smirks bitterly. “To ‘I hope that this doesn’t change anythin’, and that we’re still friends’? This changes lots of things, Jared... but we are still friends. You mean more to me than you probably think. And I need you in my life... one way or another.”

That’s what Jensen says and what he, probably, also believes. Jared wants to believe too, but even now he can feel the almost palpable gap between them and he’s afraid, is almost sure, that it will only grow bigger. Things aren’t the same, so much has changed, and they will not be the same. They just can’t be.

“I don’t wanna lose you.” He whispers.

“You won’t.”

“Then lie... and tell me that I’m not losin’ you already.”

Jensen shakes his head slightly and sighs, drawing his teeth into his lower lip as he looks up somewhere over and behind Jared. It’s a practised move, a gesture he’s given even to Dean; a series of movements he uses when he tries to keep the tears from falling.  
“It’s just...” He shrugs, clueless, suddenly caught in the act of pretending that everything is fine. “I don’t know why I thought that this would be easier. I guess I’ll just need some time to, y’know, get used to ... this whole thing.” He stares at Jared for a while wordlessly, measuring him. When he speaks up again, his voice is broken, barely there. “You’re sure, right? ... There are no doubts, nothing that could change your mind... Hell, you’re gettin’ married in just a few hours, you must be sure.”

“There are doubts, of course there are. I love you too, Jens. But I’m in love with Gen.” I think. “It’s easier. The two of us... we could never be together. It would tear us apart eventually.”

Jensen nods, though it’s apparent he’s not really agreeing. “Right.”

“I’m not ready for this kind of relationship.”

“Yeah, I know... I got it the first ten times you told me that.”

“The world’s not ready.”

“Yeah, but you know what? I don’t care about the goddamn world, Jared!” Jensen’s response is all of a sudden, and so unexpectedly loud that it startles not only Jared but Jensen as well. He blushes slightly and ducks his head, realizing how many people could hear them. And who. “I care ‘bout us. I--”

Jared’s not sure what Jensen sees in his eyes, maybe the, _Please, don’t make it any harder_ or the, _Don’t cry, I can’t stand your tears_ , or maybe the big, guilty, _I’m sorry_ , but then Jensen’s nodding, giving up his fight and his efforts to make Jared change his mind.

“Right, I’m just wasting my time here.” He draws away from the wall, accidentally elbowing Jared’s side as he squeezes around him.

“Jensen, don’t...” Jared starts, not knowing how to finish. _Don’t be mad. Don’t leave angry. Don’t leave me..._

“The world’s watchin’, Jared. You should go back to your fiancée.”  
This time is Jensen’s tone colder than the omnipresent snow, and, underneath the angry tone, hurt so much that it makes Jared’s heart ache. Without thinking, he grabs Jensen’s arm and spins him around, pulling him to himself.

“Jensen.”

Too surprised by the unexpected turn of events, Jensen just blinks up at Jared stupidly when his chest collides with the brick wall that is Jared. “Uh.”

Jared can feel the heat of Jensen’s breath contrasting with the ice-cold air. Immediately recalls the feeling of Jensen’s pliant lips opening underneath his, and he wants. One more time. Just this once. To taste them again, sense the silky, wet heat of Jensen’s mouth, and the fire of his kiss. He leans in.  
For a very brief moment Jensen seems to be caught up in the proximity, in the same feelings as Jared, and leans forward. In the next second he’s gone, as he steps back, letting the chill wind fill up his place in Jared’s arms.

“Let go, Jared. I’ll do the same.”


End file.
